A sprawling estate on its own tropical island. LeBron James, Amar’e Stoudemire, Carlos Boozer, Chris Bosh, Jay Z and Drake are seated at a table made entirely of diamonds. A throng of media members and Nike reps surround them with cameras and microphones.

Dwyane Wade enters.

LBJ: What’s up, man? Glad you could make it. Get your jet parked OK?
Wade: Yeah, I put it next to the others.

Wade sits at the table. A sea of camera flashes go off.

Wade: What are all these people doing here? I thought we were keeping this on the DL.
LBJ: Oh, these are just some friends from the media. And my Nike peeps.
Wade: Cool, as long as Stern doesn’t find out.
LBJ: Oh, I handled Stern.
Wade: Handled him? Like you handled Brown and Ferry?
LBJ: Yep.
Wade: Damn.
LBJ: I ain’t playing.

LBJ and Wade share a congratulatory Masonic handshake. Wade notices Jay Z and Drake.

Wade: Hold up- that’s Jay Z! And the dude from the Sprite commercial!
LBJ: Yep, I thought y’all would be impressed so I brought them, too.

Drake opens a Sprite. Jay Z counts his money.

LBJ: OK, let’s get down to business. I’m tired of this losing shit. I want to run with dudes that win titles, not spend their time trying to get with my Mom.

Amar’e, Bosh and Boozer snicker. LBJ gives them a reproachful look. They hush.

LBJ: As I was saying, I’m all about winning. That’s why I gave up on my teammates. That’s why I had my coach and GM killed. They weren’t winners. They didn’t know how to get a ring.

Wade leans in to whisper to LBJ.

Wade: Dog, you know these other dudes don’t have rings, right?
LBJ: Wait, what?
Wade: Yeah.
LBJ: Oh. You got one though, right?
Wade: Yeah. I got one. With Shaq in 2006.
LBJ: The Shaq on my team?
Wade: Yeah. Well, he was on your team.
Boozer: Hey, we can’t hear what you guys are whispering about.
Bosh: Yeah. Whisper louder.
Amar’e (to Jay Z): Can I count your money?

Jay Z: Touch my money and we got problems.

Amar’e backs off. A tense moment. Drake sips his Sprite slowly.

LBJ: Alright, look. Nobody’s touching anyone else’s money. Chill. We’re here to figure out which of y’all is coming to Cleveland to help me win a ring.
Wade: Uh, well…actually I’m here to see which of y’all is coming to Miami.
LBJ: I’m from Cleveland, born and raised. I can’t leave.
Wade: Well I ain’t living in Cleveland, man.

A tense moment. Bosh and Boozer raise their hands enthusiastically.

Bosh: I’ll play in Cleveland. Or Miami.
Boozer: I have a home in Miami.
Amar’e: I’ll go wherever offers the most money. Seriously. I’ll play for the Nets.

Everyone cracks up. Drake does a spit take and sprays Sprite all over Jay Z. Jay Z punches Drake in the face, knocking him unconscious.

LBJ: The fuck, J?
Jay Z: Dude got Sprite on my money.

A puff of smoke and David Stern appears with an evil cackle.

Stern: Well, well, well. What have we here? A secret player summit, I presume.
LBJ: But…but…but…I killed you.
Stern: You can’t kill something that’s already dead.

Stern laughs maniacally.

Wade: Dang, we getting fined like a motherfucker.

Pictured: a toast- to money!

Pop superstars Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus have been tabbed to replace Ernie Johnson and Kenny 'The Jet' Smith on TNT's NBA studio team, according to TNT founder, Ted Turner.

"Due to sagging ratings and some very helpful info from our focus group studies, TNT has decided to move in a younger, fresher direction.  We feel that the addition of Miley and Justin will breathe new life into the franchise" Turner said.

When asked specifically about the focus group results, Turner replied "We learned a lot about how our old team was perceived by the average, everyday American."  Turner also noted that the seasoned veteran Ernie Johnson was viewed by many as "too rapey" and that many viewers disliked Kenny Smith "because he was mean to the dumb, fat guy."

Charles Barkley was universally praised across the board by the focus group.  They were entertained by his nonsensical ramblings and found his legal problems with gambling, drunk driving/prostitution and aggravated assault endearing.  "They can relate to him" said Turner of the entirely white and middle aged group.  "He's just like them."

Barkley, a black millionaire and former Republican, was in the middle of a round of golf with Tiger Woods and unavailable for comment.

The show's format will be changed to feature more singing and dancing.  Plans are also being made to focus more on Barkley's fledgling rapping career.

Bieber expressed delight at his new position.  "I'm a huge basketball fan.  I play every chance I get.  I can't wait to get started."

Cyrus confessed to having a somewhat limited knowledge of the game but added "I just love Dwight Howard's smile!  And he's a fantastic dancer, maybe even better than my Dad!"

Pictured: OMG, you guys!  It's on!

Five of the world's trendiest people took time from their hectic schedules to have a roundtable discussion about the current NBA season and fast-approaching NBA playoffs.

Y'all know the President can ball.  And Sarah Palin was a high school star herself prior to her very succesful career as a senior fashion model and tabloid TV host.

But were you aware of Justin Bieber's deadly handle?  Little man's got game.

Famous vampire Robert Pattinson's never touched a basketball but apparently the young ladies really love him, so we asked him to join in the discussion.  Ditto for Tiger Woods.

Q1: WHO WILL WIN THE NBA TITLE THIS YEAR

(Tiger clears his throat to get everyone's attention)

Tiger: I really am deeply, deeply sorry for anyone and everyone that I've hurt, had sex with or otherwise penetrated in any way.  Again, sorry.  I only hope everyone can see how deeply, deeply, deeply sorry I am for having sex with so many young, beautiful women and their daughters.  And their daughter's daughters.

Obama: Tiger makes an interesting point.  When America's daughters' daughters look back on this post-season, will they do so with pride?  Will they tell the story of teams fighting against the odds, prevailing against injustice?  Yes, they will.  And that's something we can build together.  Starting right now.

Palin: I have to disagree with our President.  I'm not sure why.  But I'm contractually obligated to disagree with everything he says.  And as one of America's daughters' daughters, I...what was the question again?

Pattinson: They want to know who's going to win the basketball match, ma'am.

Palin: Don't talk to me, you bloodsucking bastard.  And you leave Bella alone.  She's got enough problems without you and that damn werewolf following her around.  Sheesh!

(the group stares at Palin until Bieber breaks the tension)

Bieber: Uh, I'm going with Lakers over Cavs in 7.

Q2: WHO WILL WIN MVP?

Bieber: LeBron, in the first unanimous vote ever.

Obama: LeBron.

Palin: Whoever isn't LeBron.

Pattinson: Errrr, the best player on the team with the best record?

Woods: Again, I really am truly sorry for all the amazing sex I had behind my wife's back.

(everyone shifts nervously in their seats)

Q3: WHO WILL WIN ROOKIE OF THE YEAR?

Obama: I'll let Mrs. Palin answer that one.

Palin: No, you go first.

Obama: No, I insist.

Palin: Tyreke Evans.

Obama: I'll gladly reach across the aisle to agree with you, Sarah.

Palin: I meant to say Stephen Curry.

Obama: I'm changing my vote to Stephen Curry as well.

Palin: Tyler Hansbrough.

Bieber: Brandon Jennings.  He's the only rook who's leading a team to the playoffs.  Those other guys are just putting up numbers for terrible teams.

Pattinson: I have no idea, honestly.  Whatever Obama says is probably correct.  No offense to this clever little girl who really seems to know her stuff.

Bieber: I'm a dude, dude.

Woods: You are?

Bieber: Yeah, so you can stop rubbing my leg, Tiger.

Woods: Again, sorry.

All anyone's talking about right now is Lakers/Cavs, LeBron/Kobe.  Alright, so there's a little Gilbert Arenas thrown in there, too (a halfway house?  Really?  Will it be a climate-controlled halfway house?)

I'm tired of those storylines.  I'm more interested in unsung heroes at the moment, dudes that are quietly getting it done without much hype.

I see you, Brandon Rush.  You're playing big minutes and putting up numbers for a team that's been winning lately.  And all this after struggling with confidence issues earlier this year.

I see you, Jeff Green.  Durant and Westbrook do more scoring but your impressive game on both ends is shining through.  In general, I feel like I owe a huge apology to your Superstolens.  I've slept on you consistently.  I compared Westbrook to Steve Francis.  I said Durant reminded me of T-Mac.  My bad.  You guys are legit.

I see you, Darko Motherfucking Milicic!  WTF?  I know, it's only the Wolves but you're not completely embarrassing yourself out there, buddy.  And you haven't unleashed any sexist, homophobic, rapey diatribes against referees or their wives and children in a while, either.  Nice.  Now go back to Europe, douche.

I see you, Drew Gooden.  And honestly, I don't want to see you.  You're one of my least favorite players in the L.  I don't like your game or your personal style.  But you're doing your thing for the Clips while Dallas is floundering so I see you...and I'm sure Dallas sees you, too.

And last, but certainly not least, I see you, Fro-Pez.  I see your 22-9 record as a starter.  Props, especially considering your meltdown earlier in the season.

Pictured: Bro and Fro do some yoga with Jared Leto

The Washinton Wizards were left stunned and betrayed by the announcement that Zydrunas Ilgauskus decided to leave a bright future with them to return to the Cleveland Cavaliers.

''The loss of Big Z will be felt by this team for quite a while,'' said a dismayed Ernie Grunfeld. ''Needless to say, these will be a center's shoes that will be very hard to fill. That's the job at hand now.''

There is some sense that Big Z intended to go to back to Cleveland all along and was just using the Wizards as a means of getting a more lucrative deal with his repeated statements of: ''Washington is my first option.''

Now Grunfeld and his staff will begin work on acquiring a replacement for Z.

''Obviously, we need to go out and get a big body,'' coach Flip Saunders said. ''A trade may be the best way for us to go. I plan on trying to sit back the next day or two to reflect on what has happened.''

''I don't think we can win during the entire season without a guy like Z or a big center,'' Andray Blatche said. ''You probably can do it for a little while, but you can't do it for an entire season.''

For now, JaVale McGee is the only center on the Wizards roster.

Washington guard Mike Miller, Z's best friend on the team, had sensed that he was losing a teammate.

''I hung out with him on Tuesday and he kept saying that it didn't look good,'' Miller said. ''So I'm not real surprised that he left.  It's really all sort of mind-boggling.''

(NOTE: don't blame me for this crappy writing; this entire article is lifted directly from the Orlando Sentinel the day Shaq left for LA in 1996.  Names were changed to protect the innocent, i.e. Dennis Scott becomes Mike Miller, etc.)

Since this site is named Barkley's Mouth, it's only appropriate that I'll be on the internet radio tonight talking about hoops with a heavy dose of fantasy basketball. The fine folks at RotoExpertsRadio.com will have me on the air at around 8:05 p.m. EST tonight (Monday).

Take a break from filling out your March Madness brackets and check out the broadcast here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/rotoradio/2010/03/16/rotoradio-hoops-edition and feel free to post your comments below.

"You and your crew is only known as good tryers."

-Chuck D

Every season, a surprise team wins more games than it's expected to because of pure effort.  After losing to this 'hustle' team, opponents usually say things like "they just played harder than we did" or "they just wanted it more."

This year's Good Tryer Award goes to Scotty Skiles' Bucks and Jerry Sloan's Jazz.  Playing against these teams, you better be ready to throw elbows and dive on the floor for loose balls because their entire gameplan is to outwork and frustrate you, by any means necessary.

One problem with 'hustle' teams, though- their advantage is completely negated once the postseason starts.  Why?  Because everyone plays hard in the postseason.

Remember Pat Riley's Heat?  Every year, they'd go balls to the wall for the entire regular season, getting in fights, playing dirty, scrapping for every single possession.  Then the playoffs started and they folded like a cheap tent because their intensity advantage wasn't there anymore.  I can still picture the normally mild-mannered Allan Houston sprinting the length of the floor and pumping his fist like a madman after nailing this runner in the lane to oust the top-seeded Heat.  If it were possible to read Houston's mind in that instant, I bet he was thinking something along the lines of "That's right, you grabbing, holding, elbowing, dirty motherlovers!  Allan Houston just got gangster on your butts!"  I omitted the profanity because, you know, it's Allan Houston.  Dude probably orders milk in a whiskey bar.

So what causes this disparity in effort?  The obvious problem is that the NBA season is way too long.  And half the league is usually eliminated from contention by the All-Star break.  So if you're suiting up for the Wizards, Wolves or Kings these days and you're making a stop in Utah or Milwaukee at the end of a long road trip, you might be tempted to just phone it in.  When Carlos Boozer targets your surgically repaired shoulder, you might just roll over and quit.  Why bother, right?  You're tired, the games are basically meaningless, you just want the season to be over so you can see your family for the first time in six months, and this roid-munching douche is trying to injure you to win a game you care nothing about.

And fouling?  Ridiculous.  Utah actively fouls early and often so they can get away with more fouling later.  They dictate a rough game to the refs, basically daring them to blow the whistle on every possession and then complaining about it vociferously if they do.  That famous home court advantage in Salt Lake?  It all hinges on this principle.  Refs don't want twelve thousand angry white people booing them for stopping the game every thirty seconds.

Personally, I looooove seeing these scrappy teams bite the dust.  Basketball's a game of talent, speed, coordination and grace.  The league implemented rules (no hand checking, no holding the ball forever in the post) specifically to free the game up and stop this drudgery and for the most part, it's worked.  But then you've got the 'hustle' teams, always trying to slow the game down, take the air out of the ball.  And it's horrible to watch.  Boring as hell.  A parade to the FT line.

Now I'm not saying every team should play Nellie Ball where defense is a bad word and the shot clock is useless but the grab/hold/flop thing is tired.  Clean up the game, coaches.  Nobody wants to see that shit.

Pictured: Boozer's idea of making a play on the ball

The word 'superstar' is thrown around too easily these days.  A promising rookie puts up big numbers for a lousy team and suddenly he's a superstar.  Weak.  I'm of the opinion that you're not an NBA superstar until you pass a few important milestones:

First, if you lead your team to an NBA title then, yes, you are a superstar.  Current active players that can say this: Kobe, Shaq, DWade, Chauncey, KG, Pierce, Duncan, Manu and Tony Parker.  That's it. Pau Gasol, Rip Hamilton, Ray Allen and Rajon Rondo have legit gripes but if you go back and look at their Finals (not playoffs) stats, they really were supporting players, not superstars.  They were basking in the glow of their more celebrated counterparts.

Which brings us to the second group of superstars: MVP candidates whose supporting cast hasn't been good enough to get them over the hump and into the class above.  LeBron's the poster boy for this category.  Dwight Howard, Dirk, JKidd, Carmelo, AI, Deron Williams, CP3 and Nash all fit in here nicely.  Nobody can dispute that these guys are/were superstars, right?  I want to include Durant here but it's hard to justify considering that he's only been in the L for a minute and his team hasn't sniffed the postseason yet.  But he's close...

Speaking of close, Brandon Roy, Amar'e, Joe Johnson, Bosh and Boozer are all on the cusp.  But it's safe to say that only their hometown fans/supporters would argue that they're undisputed superstars.  And personally, I think Boozer is such a douchebag that I'd never include him even if he won 20 titles in row.  Ditto for the eternally apathetic Vince Carter.

Now, on to the young guys.  Newcomers get way too much shine before they've really proven anything.  Sorry, Derrick Rose isn't a superstar yet.  Neither is Tyreke Evans.  Or Steph Curry, Monta Ellis, LaMarcus Aldridge, Josh Smith, Al Horford or any number of young guns getting All Star mentions lately.  Nice numbers but no real accomplishments.  The worst/best example of this 'next big thing' gushfest: the ridiculous hype around Young Money after his 55 on G State.  Dude's nice but he's shooting under 40% for the year.

Historically, plenty of talented ballers have come and gone without truly distinguishing themselves from the pack.  Mitch Richmond, Terry Porter, Damon Stoudamire, Nick Van Exel- all these guys made All Star teams but were never actual superstars.  Just because your hometown retires your jersey doesn't put you in this conversation.

Fans HATE it when someone points out that their team's best player is not the next MJ.  But who do these inflated expectations benefit?  If you overvalue a player, then you have to overpay him.  And if you look around the league, the worst teams are the ones paying top dollar to guys who clearly are not premier players.  No way Iggy's a max contract guy.  No way any GM should break the bank for Rudy Gay.

Not trying to be a hater.  Just stating the obvious.

Pictured: one former superstar and three pretty good players

Week 20 in fantasyland is do or die for so many teams. For some, it's already the playoffs, for others, the final week of the regular season, or damn close to it. With your season hanging in the balance, it's vital to make every game count, especially in H2H leagues.

Those of you who own players from Houston, Phoenix or the LA Lakers should know what I'm talking about; each of these teams play only two games next week. You almost have to play your stars like Kobe, Pau, Luis Scola, Aaron Brooks, Amar'e (where did that apostrophe come from anyway?) and Steve Nash, provided you feel confident that he'll play through his ailments. But a two-game week is bad news for average to fringe players like Shane Battier, Kevin Martin, Robin Lopez, J-Rich, Grant Hill, Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom and Ron Artest, who is channeling Dennis Rodman with his ridiculous new hairstyle.

You have some tough choices to make with those players, so here are some players who might be dangling on the waiver wire, ripe to be plucked with 4-game weeks. These are the guys who can win you weeks with their category specialties--or just provide one extra game to increase those counting categories. Why play an average player with a three-game week when a replacement level player is available with four games? Check the list out right after the jump...

There's an 11-game slate in the NBA tonight so there's a lot to pay attention to for fantasy basketball implications. Here's what I'm watching for:

7pm

BOS at PHI

Elton Brand is supposed to start tonight after a flair up in his right Achilles tendon kept him out the past couple games. He had surgery on the other tendon though so this doesn't bode well for the future. But he wouldn't be playing if he didn't feel ready, so I'm hoping to see him jump around a little without pain and actually grab some boards or block shots. Doubtful, but a very positive sign if he plays well, especially against KG and Perkins. Thad Young can't be happy if he's back to the bench, but he should play well against the second unit.

DET v CLE

I want to see if JJ Hickson can continue his strong play filling in for Shaq. He catches a monstrous break with Ben Wallace out of action. He got added in my main league this morning and I'm already regretting not making the move for him when I had the chance. Another strong game would solidify my feelings of self-loathing.

LAL v CHA

Can Andrew Bynum have an explosive game or is his injury really holding him back? You know Pau Gasol is going to have a bounceback game after his pitiful display in their last effort. I hope Ty Thomas goes wild tonight though I traded him away in my keeper league last week. When you get CP3 in the deal, it doesn't matter who you give up.

NYK v TOR

Ever since Me-Mac came to town (it's a little ironic that someone with that nickname is now playing POINT GUARD for the Knicks), Wilson Chandler has really struggled. He's back in the lineup after missing two games due to a death in the family. Against the T-Dot without Chris Bosh in the lineup (Martian Death Flu), Chandler has a very good opportunity to show that he's Shawn Marion Lite, well at least the Marion from the Phoenix years. The Knicks really want him and Gallo to succeed and help attract free agents as attractive complementary pieces who can grow with them, so they should see all the minutes they can get the rest of the way out. I want to see Chandler at 37+ minutes tonight. He's well rested.

The most exciting thing though is the fact that Bill Walker is getting a chance to play--and in a system that's perfect for him. Many thought Walker was a better high school prospect than his college teammate at Kansas State, Michael Beasley. But knee injuries really put a damper on his career, yet his explosiveness still seems to be there. Or at least that's what I'll be investigating. The Knicks may have found themselves a weapon here and I wouldn't hesitate to roll the dice in 14-team leagues or deeper.

MIL v WAS

Can Brandon Jennings actually hit 50 percent of his shots one night? He's only done it twice since way back on December 30. Against the Wizards, he has a chance. And my boy Andray Blatche, I want to see you use your quickness to get Andrew Bogut in foul trouble and then explode for 30+ points and 10+ boards. A couple swats would be nice too.

Hit the jump for the 7:30pm games and on...